On Consistency
A learner asked me the other day, “Why do you only give me one chance when my mom gives me a lot of chances?” That really got me thinking. The biggest “monster” I personally fight every day is the kind-hearted monster. I want to give learners a lot of chances, I want to rescue them from their struggles (and the negative consequences). I care about each of these learners so deeply, I want to be a safe place and a comfy landing spot. I want them to like me and enjoy coming to school. It took me a while to realize that being too kind-hearted is detrimental.
Maybe you are more tough-minded, and what I just concluded was obvious. For those of us who are inclined towards kind-heartedness, it is not such a clear, natural conclusion. I fight every day to go against my instincts. Sometimes it really wears me down, it mentally exhausts me, and I even have to vent about it to the other guides. However, I have come to realize that following through with the natural consequences we have set, the first time, is helping the learners and setting them up for success (no matter how hard it is for me). It is a gift that I can give them, an investment in their future.
Think about laws. How often do people speed? I would answer more often than not, the majority of people speed. Why? Because more often than not, nothing comes of it. No one holds them accountable to that law, so they have learned to disregard it. If I choose to not hold the learners accountable, I am reinforcing that the expectation is not important. That sets them up for failure in the future. It also creates confusion in the learner's mind. They are not sure if this will be the time I hold them accountable or if it will be next time. That uncertainty causes anxiety in a learner, which they may not be aware of, but that unsettles them nonetheless. Do you ever feel anxious when you speed by a police officer and wonder for a few minutes if they are going to pull you over? The uncertainty causes unrest. What if your car automatically reported you any and every time you exceeded the speed limit, and you were guaranteed a ticket? The consistency and inevitability of the consequence would deter most of us from speeding on a regular basis.
The counterbalance to this is being consistent with positive enforcement. Us kind-hearted people can struggle here, too, believe it or not. I want to err on the side of being nice and sometimes give a reward that was not quite earned. In the same vein as before, this reinforces poor habits and actually cheats the learner out of creating strong, healthy habits. It is easier for me to be consistent with positive reinforcement because it makes me feel good, but I have to hold myself accountable to not fudging the line and giving unearned rewards. This again creates stability and predictability that benefits the learner in the long run.
Now, I am a mom, and I too, sometimes give my own children extra chances. The important thing I have to remember is that this needs to be the exception and not the rule. Extending grace is a wonderful thing when it is unexpected, undeserved, and can make an impact. The impact comes from the fact that it is an unexpected result. It can come with a lovely discussion on grace, making it clear that this is a rare exception. It is often said that children thrive on consistency, and the more experience I accrue in the primary age group (4 - 7yo), the more I see this reinforced.
Helping these learners see how to hold each other accountable benefits them in many ways. As they move into the elementary studio, they will have a clear model of how to take over the responsibility of holding each other accountable. They will have established healthy habits and will be comfortable in fully understanding the expectations and the natural consequences of their choices, both positive and negative. Knowing the expectations clearly, knowing the consequences and rewards for their actions, and being confident they will be consistently held accountable are the keys to setting the primary learners up to thrive in the elementary studio and beyond.
In an interesting turn of events, while I was revising this blog post over the week, another learner brought up the issue of how many chances they should receive. We were discussing cleaning during our quick “5-minute warning” clean-up, and they remarked that they should have three chances instead of one to be reminded of what they need to be doing. I countered, “What will happen if we give more chances? If everyone has three chances during a five-minute warning, how much work is going to get done?” The studio was able to conclude on their own that having so many chances would be harmful because they would run out of time before the work was completed.
As for me, I will continue to embrace the truth that being consistent does not equal being mean, but in fact, the opposite is true. Being predictable and consistent is a kindness to learners and my kids, who will respect me and feel more settled and comfortable in an environment that they find unchanging and reliable in its reaction to their behavior. Being consistent is a way we, as guides, show respect to our learners; they deserve to know without a doubt the positive and negative results of their choices. I will fight this battle every day because by growing, I help others grow and learn to be. This is not a judgment on anyone else’s parenting choices, merely a reflection on my own journey and some hard-fought lessons learned. To go back to the original question posed by the learner, I was at a loss for how to answer. I led them in a quick discussion on consequences and whether it would be fair to not hold people accountable. They shrugged it off and agreed we need to hold others accountable to keep things running smoothly, completely oblivious to the inner turmoil they reignited in me and the days I would spend ruminating on their quick question.
As we approach the end of the year, I can easily reflect back and see the progress in individual learners that would not have been possible without my being consistent, even when it felt uncomfortable. One learner who spent weeks lying to me and the studio now values truth in not only themselves but their studio mates. Another who spent a great deal of time sitting out initially for breaking the rules, now consistently follows our studio’s guide rails. Of particular note is a learner who constantly butted heads with studiomates, trying to control how they played. It was hard to watch as others expressed they did not wish to play under the rules they did not agree to. It was harder yet to facilitate the following conflict resolution and tears, to fight the urge to rescue the struggling learner. But now, this learner can acknowledge how it feels to friends when we force them to play our way, and has learned the art of compromising. It has been a beautiful transformation and maturing that will serve this learner for life. Being consistent, though uncomfortable, is a gift I am proud that guides are able to offer our learners.
